


Let The Shadows Fall Behind You

by wayfindering



Series: Towards The Sun - The First Year [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, RikuRoku - Freeform, Roxas swears, hang in there y'all, it's what he deserves honestly, it's what he deserves too, post-kh3, riku's anxiety gets two days in a row, rikurokuweek, rikurokuweek2019, they're still just friends sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-26 15:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20392102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wayfindering/pseuds/wayfindering
Summary: In which Roxas tries to solve the puzzle that is Riku, if "puzzle" is the right word for a tangle of traumas held together with nothing but string and old guilt. Riku just wants to find a way to apologise.





	Let The Shadows Fall Behind You

**Author's Note:**

> rikuroku week 2019 || day 2 prompt - confession

One of these days, Roxas swore, he was _ going _ to find out what Riku's deal was.

He stalked back down the hallway outside Riku's room, wracking his brain. Where would that numbskull go at this time of morning, anyway?

Roxas had gotten up early--_ early! _\--just to grab Riku before he vanished but apparently he was still too late. He grumbled and started the trek back to the other side of the ancient building; he might as well get more sleep, then. He'd find Riku later. At least he hadn't bothered changing out of his pajamas.

Since Roxas spent half his time in Twilight Town, his own assigned room here in the Land of Departure was over in the dorm wing. Riku had a more permanent room and honestly Roxas was jealous. He supposed if he actually passed his Mastery he could request one too.

As he rounded the corner out of the hallway, still grousing to himself about morning people and their unpredictability, he ran full force into someone who didn't even have the decency to be Riku.

"Fuck--Master Aqua!" Roxas let out, stumbling.

Luckily, Aqua seemed more amused than anything and she put a hand on his shoulder to catch him before he fell over backwards. She smiled, her heart lighting up along with her face.

"Sorry," he added, in an effort at morning-person civility.

"Roxas. It's fine; was there something you needed?" A fair assumption, given that he was stalking out of the masters' wing at ridiculous-o'clock.

"Nah, I was just looking for Riku. Have you seen him anywhere?"

"I'm afraid not," Aqua shrugged in that business-ethereal way of hers. "It's his day off."

"Yeah, I thought it might be a long shot. Thanks anyway!" Roxas flashed her one of his half-grins and turned to go.

"You're off today, too, right?" Aqua called after him.

"Yep!"

"Have fun," she laughed. She treated him like a little brother now that the confusion and awkwardness of him looking like Ven was cleared away, and Roxas found himself cheered up just from the interaction. 

Maybe _ all _ morning people weren't annoying. Just stupidly tall, muscley, silver-haired, keyblade-wielding, unpredictably missing morning people who hadn't had a shared day off with Roxas in over a month.

He'd gotten up _ early _to--wait, he'd already complained about that. Sleepiness was making him redundant.

Roxas sighed and it echoed down the hallway. Why was Riku so difficult? He was worth it, but it seemed unnecessary.

The problem--or, puzzle, Roxas decided--wasn't just Riku being away from his dorm this morning. It was the fact that the guy never seemed to take a break.

Roxas himself had been preoccupied at first with settling into his own life and rebuilding his family. But Riku had never slowed down and never reached out to anyone. It was unnatural. Roxas couldn't help noticing.

And that was another part of this puzzle: nobody else seemed to _ notice _ Riku. Roxas prided himself on his observation skills, but that was no excuse. The keyblade master, darkness-conqueror, world-saver of legend, who never so much as stumbled over a word or his own shoes, was so perfectly filling everyone's expectations that they didn't _ look closer. _

But Roxas had noticed. And, dammit, Roxas had cared, too. Riku _ hurt _ . Someone _ should _ care. He supposed that had been Sora's job. Well, when Sora got back he'd just have to learn to share with Roxas, wouldn't he? It wasn't his fault Sora had gone gallivanting off who-knew-where and left his Riku behind. 

_ Ass, _ he thought fondly out to wherever Sora was. Sora would probably know what was wrong with Riku instinctively. He had a direct heart connection, after all, in spite of his oblivious nature. _ Still missing when we need you here so much? _Oh well. Roxas and his perceptiveness would just have to do.

Roxas trailed his hand over the cool white stone of the wall as he alternatively padded and slid down the next hallway in socked feet. Aside from Aqua and, theoretically, Riku, the place was empty this early. Nobody would be up for at least another hour. Even the sun was barely coming up.

He decided against going back to sleep and detoured to the kitchens. His brain was still a swamp of early morning mush, but if he was going to spend his time puzzling out Riku anyway, he might as well have coffee.

Armed with a mug filled to the brim, Roxas slouched like a gremlin on the nearest bench set against a window and breathed in.

Ah, the smell of fresh coffee and the sound of birdsong. They weren't his usual morning fare but they were pleasant. He turned back to his ruminating as the caffeine slowly brought life to an otherwise uncaring universe.

He considered Riku among his best friends now. That had been unexpected, but welcome. They fit together, somehow. Riku understood Roxas's darkness. And Roxas understood Riku's pain.

At least, he was trying to.

Riku genuinely _ had _ seemed better after Roxas forcibly befriended him. For a week. But now he apparently never slept, and he definitely overworked himself--Roxas could still kick himself over the fact that Aqua had been the first to notice and force him into more time off.

He hummed in frustration in the back of his throat, closing his eyes.

There was...something _ else, _too. Something off. Something was building under the surface and Roxas couldn't pinpoint it.

He hated not knowing things.

Absolutely hated it...

He blinked back into awareness a few minutes later to the sensation of someone prying his mug from his hands. His reflexes would apparently let him be snuck up on but not allow his coffee to be stolen. Good to know.

Or maybe it was just his ability to sense hearts, telling him he wasn't in danger. Roxas yawned and opened his eyes, letting Riku take the empty cup. He was doing that more and more lately--little gestures, noticing things. He managed to make Roxas feel cared for without being condescending. Roxas liked it. He wondered if that fit into the puzzle anywhere.

"Hey," Riku said, putting the mug down on the windowsill and taking a seat on the bench.

Roxas scooted over for him and seriously contemplated leaning into the nice, strong, probably very warm shoulder and dozing back off. He decided against it for now.

"Hey," he replied instead and pulled out one of his best lopsided grins. He dropped it a second later. "Wait! Shit, I'm mad at you," he remembered aloud.

Roxas saw a brief flash of--_ worry? guilt? _\--in aquamarine eyes and filed that away. He punched Riku's shoulder. "You weren't in your room! Where'd you go?"

"Why are you even awake? I thought slackers like you didn't get out of bed before noon." The worry was gone. Interesting. Riku was also avoiding the question, but that was pretty typical.

"Yeah, but not when they have to drag you out for a day off! Seriously, who gets up before the sun?" Roxas asked with a laugh, elbowing Riku's arm.

"Alright, so where are we going?"

Riku so rarely argued. Roxas wondered how much of that came from growing up with Sora, who was easily ten times more enthusiastic and overbearing than Roxas. Still, he tucked away that tidbit too.

"The beach! We're the only two off today so we'll have to occupy ourselves until at least late afternoon. We can swim, watch the waves. Relax. You know, beach stuff."

Roxas grinned again at Riku; he couldn't stay annoyed now that he was here, even if he didn't smile back. Anyway, Roxas was _ aching _ for a day of doing nothing. Even if it meant starting early.

"Which beach?" Riku asked.

"The one near Twilight Town. You've never been, right?"

Roxas didn't wait for a response, but hopped up off the bench and started back down the hallway to gather his beach things and get dressed, hearing Riku follow behind with the clink of a mug.

Turning around, he walked backwards to better talk to Riku but caught his eyes instead. They were so guarded, like thick fog in a forest keeping you from finding the way out. If Roxas focused, he swore he could almost hear what Riku's heart was saying behind them.

Ah, well, he'd figure it out eventually.

\----

_ I'm sorry, Roxas. _

He can't say it.

He can't get the words to come out of his mouth. They echo around his head, getting louder and louder every day.

Sometimes Riku lays in bed and listens to them overlapping each other until it drowns out every other rational thought. It's never the right time and they're never the right words.

The closer he gets to Roxas, the more of the boy's pain he can see. The more he feels the hurt and the struggles tucked away in the corners of his heart. The more he cares.

Roxas had been brought into the world already 15 and he was trying to catch up on an entire lifetime missed. Riku was the reason for at least half that trauma. How can they be friends with this hanging between them so starkly?

_ I'm sorry. _

Not one time since...everything...happened, has Riku apologised. He's started to realise what that means. To tally up his failures more thoroughly. It was a mistake to believe he was past this--a simple mark of mastery and the forgiveness of one person couldn't erase everything. How had he ignored it before now? Foolish.

He'd believed every one of DiZ's lies because it was easier that way. He didn't listen to Sora. He didn't listen to his own heart. He was listening now but was that enough?

_ Roxas. I stole your life and your free will. _

They could have worked together. They could have been a team back then, not enemies but allies. Combined their strength. If Riku had only treated Roxas like a real person. Even treated him half as well as he'd treated Xion, who he also felt guilty about.

Even if their fates couldn't have been changed, Riku knows he should have been better. It isn't always the destination that counts, at the end of the day.

He can't let his crimes stand unacknowledged. He needs to make amends. He also needs to be functional. He's a keyblade master. He has responsibilities. He's going mad.

_ I hunted you. I took away your friends. I'm sorry. _

Sorry isn't even enough. Riku knows that. But it's all he has. It's the least he can do. Roxas should know that he cares--that he _ is _ actually sorry. Roxas hasn't asked for an apology, and he doesn't seem to notice Riku's distress, but it burns in him stronger every day.

_ I erased your memories. _

He's not a kid anymore. Why is this so hard? He can't say the words. Does he not remember how? Is he afraid? He tries to write them down instead. That doesn't work any better, the ink pooling out from the pen and bleeding across the page as he holds it, staring helplessly.

He wishes Sora were here. Sora would know what to say, how to help. But no, Riku can do this. He has to.

He trains harder, he takes on more shifts, he ups his game in every part of his life like he's trying to prove something.

He says yes more often, he stays longer, he lets more people in like he can ever forgive himself.

_ I disregarded your humanity. _

Questions and tumultuous, tumbling worries follow him from one world to the next but there are no answers to be found in any of them. The number of times he's shouted himself broken in his mind is tearing at his heart. It's going to start affecting his performance.

_ I trapped you. I mocked you. _

So he laces apology into everything he does, every word he says to Roxas, every time they see each other. He breathes apology in every minute they're together. Every glance, every gesture, all the little ways he pays attention now.

How was training today. I'm sorry I lied.

Ice cream's on me again. I'm sorry I didn't try harder.

Let me get that for you. I'm sorry I failed you.

Riku wants to make Roxas smile. That smile is the only thing that casts any clarity on an increasingly foggy world, when it's turned on him. He agrees to almost anything Roxas likes these days just to see his smile; it's brilliant and quick as a flash of lightning and Riku's started chasing the storm.

_ I hurt you. I _ hurt _ you. _

An extra umbrella when Roxas didn't know it was going to rain; a spare sweater when they stayed out too late; a second box of his favourite snack tucked into his mission bag.

He's trying. He needs to try harder.

Riku isn't even sure if this is how you have friends. He hasn't done it in a very long time.

But now, everything is coated in a haze of guilt and echoing words.

_ I'm sorry. _

_ I'm so sorry. _

\----

Riku stifled a yawn. The gang had put on some weird new comedy film from Disney Town awhile ago. He could hardly focus on the plot.

Today was his first day off in ages--he'd stopped taking them a while back. Aqua had finally noticed and, scandalised, had insisted. Unfortunately she had seniority, and even if she didn't Riku would chew his own arm off before crossing her. But he hated days off. They made everything harder.

Soft music started playing from the screen and Riku came back to reality. The end credits were rolling. Time had gotten away from him again. It was startling how much more often that happened now that he was in a safe environment.

The assorted chairs and couches around him were almost all empty, he noticed, as he took stock in the dark movie room. The film hadn't been a hit and apparently everyone had begged off one by one until the only two left were himself and Roxas. He glanced over at the couches and realised why--Roxas was fast asleep.

A half-smile tried and failed to make a home on his lips. Another day, it might have stayed.

He couldn't be that surprised--Roxas had been awake almost as long as Riku had today and then he'd worn himself out. Between hours spent on the beach and an evening playing games at Hayner's place, Riku wasn't sure why he'd even stuck around for the movie.

Riku shifted in the chair he'd been perched on and rolled his shoulders to loosen his posture. He'd been tensing up again, lost in thought most of the day. That's why he tried to avoid days off; they put him in that particularly bad headspace which was bad for his joints, too.

He needed to keep moving. Fighting, training, studying, teaching, travelling. That was what he lived for, now, right? But these days movies and beaches and other stuff filled in the gaps between. Things he hadn't thought he ever wanted again. Things he didn't think he could have without Sora, for sure.

Part of him wanted to close off, curl up inside himself and push everyone away. For their own good, for his own punishment. But that was the way to darkness, the way of cowardice. He knew better. He might not know how to make amends with Roxas, but he had to keep trying. Roxas wanted this friendship, and he deserved as much.

Sighing, Riku ran one hand through his spiky hair and stood up, stretching, making his way to the other side of the room. Roxas was tucked sideways on a recliner--his hair an absolute mess, dressed in flannel pajamas, completely passed out.

Riku should really get him to bed. Roxas might not be helpless but he definitely needed more care than he admitted to; he wouldn't refuse help but he forgot to ask for it, fixated on doing everything himself. It seemed like he wanted to be done learning and just get on with living.

Riku dropped to one knee, right arm bracing himself on the low side table, and debated his options.

Groggy blue eyes interrupted him before he got too far. Roxas blinked awake and gave a lopsided, sleepy smile at finding Riku next to him. The room brightened a bit around them and something that was always coiled tight in Riku's chest these days loosened just a fraction.

He should say it tonight. Just like every night.

"Enjoy your nap?" Riku kept his tone light. _ I'm sorry. _

"Yeah," Roxas yawned and shook his head, blonde spikes flying, then looked around. "Did everyone bail? Even Xion? Ugh, what a bunch of jerks. Real friends fall asleep out of boredom _ with _ you."

Riku shook his head, searching again for that half-smile from before. It still wouldn't stick. Maybe tomorrow. He opened his mouth to speak. _ I'm sorry. _He closed it, then tried again and this time got out, "Time to turn in, then?"

Roxas yawned a second time and kept his eyes closed, laying his head back down and groaning. "I don't wanna move."

"Come on, let's get you to bed," Riku insisted. He nudged Roxas playfully on the shoulder and rocked back, resting his left arm on his knee. _ I'm sorry. _ He was a coward. He clenched the fist, feeling a familiar spike of pain up his forearm. He held the pain and used it to fuel his determination.

Roxas rolled onto his side and opened his eyes again. They glinted, meeting Riku's own, and all at once they were intensity and electricity, flaring to life in the flickering light of the movie screen.

Breath catching, Riku didn't dare blink. He tilted his head slightly, not quite a question. Roxas didn't answer it. Didn't move, didn't say a word. He was like that sometimes, just went all silent and focused out of nowhere. Especially around Riku. It always passed.

He rarely explained himself and Riku still wasn't sure what to make of it. Music was still faintly thrumming into the otherwise quiet night behind him but even that felt subdued in the crystal moment of Roxas's gaze.

Riku focused on his own breathing, in, out, in again. It was too quick for comfort. _ I'm sorry. _ He knew could do it. Right now. Nobody else was around. He had a mission set for tomorrow and an excuse to not be around for the aftermath. Roxas was staring-- _ staring _ as if he was looking for a way into Riku's soul. Maybe Riku should just let him in.

He took a breath.

"I'm sorry, Riku," Roxas said.

Riku let the breath out again so fast he almost coughed.

"I'm sorry I didn't get it sooner." Roxas lifted his hand up and held it to his own chest. "But I can hear you now. It's okay. You don't have to be sorry anymore."

Roxas's eyes were still crackling but his voice was softer than Riku had ever heard it. The sound lanced into Riku's core and sliced through the cords of guilt and purpose that had been keeping him together.

He felt himself slowly crumple up inside. Too quickly, too much. His breaths weren't deep enough. Colour drained from his face, a rushing sound in his ears. The world was nothing but static interference, everything coming apart. 

This was the forgiveness he'd been so afraid of. He wanted to run but he couldn't bear to move. He knelt there, motionless, and strained to hear the voice that pushed through the chaos.

"We've all been to the fifth hell and back, you know," Roxas continued. Riku tried to process the words. "We've all done things we regret, hurt people we cared about."

Was Riku hyperventilating? No, he was barely breathing. He couldn't put a coherent thought together. _ Too much. _

A soft pressure. A hand settled on his wrist. The left one. The one Roxas had shattered in their fight so long ago. It never healed. Did he know? Did he remember? The fist unclenched at his touch and a twinge of pain Riku had stopped noticing eased suddenly.

Riku pulled his attention to that touch. Warmth radiated from it and he tried to ground himself. He couldn't remember how. Roxas was still talking, voice quiet and clear.

"I'm sorry about a lot of things, too. In the end, we were both pawns in a game being played by assholes. But that's in the past. You're not better or worse depending on what role you had. You're not supposed to be _ stronger _. You're just one of us."

Eyes bluer than the sky held onto Riku. Somewhere along the way those eyes had gotten closer. Roxas was sitting, perched on the edge of the recliner, one hand still resting lightly on Riku's wrist. He was smaller, but sitting on a chair put him at eye level.

"We're two people coming together again for the first time. That's all. It's time to stop apologising for the past and just...be you, Riku."

Could he do that? He still--he still had to say it, just once.

"--" Riku choked on his words, mouth too dry to speak.

A soft, resigned huff. Voice tinged with fondness. "Come here, loser."

Arms closed around him and Riku let himself fall into the embrace, face pressing into Roxas's shoulder, reaching around him like he still remembered how to fit into someone. It was warmth and understanding and home and his eyes burned. He never let himself have things like this. Maybe he should.

"I'm sorry," he finally whispered, and fell apart.

When was the last time he'd cried? It was probably the last time he'd apologised, too. In the realm of darkness. That was years ago. People weren't supposed to go that long, he was pretty sure.

Riku clutched where his hands found purchase, tangled up in flannel at Roxas's back. He got lost in the textures of the shirt, holding on for dear life as he wept.

"It's alright, it's alright," Roxas muttered in a low voice. He held Riku back just as tightly.

Riku was in pieces but his world was being stitched back together. Tension melted out of him from places he didn't know he could store any and after what seemed like a year he felt himself calming back down.

Roxas moved his hand up to rest on the back of Riku's head and cradled it into the warmth of his own. He could feel Roxas's breath just above his ear before he seemed to change his mind and instead gave him a few hesitant pats on the head. Riku huffed in amusement between his slowly settling breaths; at least he wasn't the only one who didn't have all this figured out yet.

Once his breathing was steady enough, Riku disentangled himself. He was undoubtedly a splotchy wreck. Roxas let him go and sat back, one hand scrubbing across his own tear-streaked face.

"Figures. Your ridiculous pretty hair doesn't even look ruffled," Roxas said with obvious disgust, tugging at a lock of Riku's hair.

Laughter bubbled up out of Riku, genuine and surprising, as if now that the floodgates were opened he was just going feel any damn thing at full force. With that, the last coiled tendrils of nerves unwound themselves and Riku sagged like a puppet cut from its strings, still laughing.

Roxas's sour face gave way to a grin a second later and his dancing eyes caught Riku's. His own eyes shone back clear. If Roxas was a storm, Riku would gladly walk in the rain just to watch the world light up.

He wasn't sure if he could find a way to say those words out loud. Maybe he'd try tomorrow; every bone in his body felt heavy as lead.

So much for a day off; if he'd thought being emotionless was hard work he was being proven wrong now. He suddenly--through a more pleasant haze settling over his thoughts--had a lot of respect for people with the strength to process their feelings constantly.

He should thank Roxas, probably.

"You're welcome," Roxas replied to nothing. Riku hadn't said anything aloud. His throat was raw. He would have noticed.

"How…?"

Before he could finish his response Riku was hauled unceremoniously to his feet, his right arm slung around Roxas's shoulders. The other boy was considerably shorter than Riku but that put him at an ideal height for support.

Roxas was just too perceptive for his own good, Riku concluded, head too fuzzy to care.

And he wasn't complaining; he could barely think and probably wouldn't be able to walk on his own, if he was honest.

A warm hand gripped the top of his and another curled around his waist, tugging him forward.

"Come on," Roxas echoed Riku's words from earlier. "Let's get you to bed."

Riku just nodded. "Yeah."


End file.
